God’s Plans Aren’t Always Our Plans…

Wow.
I haven’t posted in some time. Just reading my last post brings tears to my eyes. After much thought and prayer, Mani and I have decided that we are NOT going to pursue another adoption. Garrett will not be becoming a big brother after all.

I am still very sad about this and haven’t been able to be very active on my adoption board because of it.

You all know that the Lord has blessed us with 4 beautiful and healthy children. We are beyond thankful for His faithfulness to us concerning all four of them.

Most of you also know that Mani is a Captain with a local Fire Department and works anywhere from ten to fifteen 24 hour shifts a month depending on the season. He can also be gone for weeks at a time in the summer months fighting wildland fires throughout the state. Because I am alone a fair amount of time with the children, it is imperative that I be able to parent all of our children WELL without him home.

I have had a more difficult time this last year with having two busy “littles” in the house. Both Sophie and Garrett are beyond YUMMY, but busy, busy, busy for sure. They are 6.5 and 3.5 years old as I type this. We made the decision to grow our family again last year, and as the year went on I became fearful that I would be overwhelmed with a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a new baby to care for on a daily basis with my husband gone nearly 40% of the time. I decided to just breath and take the paperwork slowly, which we did. It came to the point where we had to schedule the homestudy (this is the first big financial commitment) and I just did not have peace about it. In fact I felt even more anxious. So I called Holt, and had our adoption put “on hold” for a couple of months to see if the anxiety would pass and that the peace and excitement we had initially would return. It was torture to have the adoption on hold because I would see many waiting children and just think over and over about what it would take for me to parent five children well. After a couple of months I decided that it was really in the best interest of everyone in our family to keep our brood at 4.

I must say that initially when I called Holt and then CANCELLED our adoption pursuit I felt extremely relieved to at least be off the fence about it.

But now, I just feel sad. I feel sad that Garrett will not have a brother who looks like him and who has joined our family through the most beautiful process of adoption. I feel sad that my “second son” that I had envisioned in my head will not be joining us on our journey through this crazy and beautiful life.

The truth is, I feel most sad that I feel unable to parent another child. It feels like I have failed somehow.

I go back to “the most responsible thing to do is…” and really, it just is what it is I suppose.

What I KNOW is that if it is The Lord’s Will for us to have another child join our family, it will happen whether or not we have an application on file or not. Truly. I have to stand on that truth and just trust that with all my heart. And I do. But still, some sadness lingers. It may always be that way…just as all grief changes over time, but never really leaves completely.

So I will remain grateful for our most beautiful children and continue to focus on the blessings before me instead of questioning what could have been. Because it is the Lord that builds families, not us, as much as we like to think it’s us…every life is purposed by Him.

I may start blogging again concerning my sweet boy. He is growing like a weed, is completely consumed with all things Firetruck related, and is quite the cuddler…YUMMY!! He is beautiful…I mean really beautiful. I find myself just staring at him some days thinking “Could there be a more beautiful boy on the planet?”

So this is what life is today. Look for further posts in the future. This blog will be a treasured keepsake for Garrett when he is grown, a beautiful testimony to the faithfulness of God. Thanks for following along. Much love to you all.

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